I’m Trying not to be Disordered

Written by Anna-Rose Kirchner.

I’m trying not to be disordered
I’m trying to make sense of the borders—
The barriers, the cages I’ve built around myself
I know you are too.
Some people think me selfish
They think what I am is what I’m not
Untouchable, unreachable
But my identity is not my faults.

I’m trying not to be disordered
To escape the purpose I’ve been writ
Rejecting fate that bleeds out
Like rotten wine from my wrists.
They feel I’m telling lies
Feel me pulling away
But those eyes only know what they see
So close them and see what crave.

I’m trying not to be disordered
To unlock the cages within
To undo the barbed-wire thoughts
Claw out the nails rusting under my skin.
They know I’m sorry for it all
Know I pour my soul into every opportunity I find
But try to look away now
You won’t see me fail this time.

I’m hungry for disorder
Yet desperate for change
A fire that’s been lit to burn out
An inextinguishable stubborn flame.
Look away now, as the rain comes down
Look away, now.

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